you sit up and say you want a good woman
someone that will cook clean and build the company 
ride your wave, stroke your ego, feed your appetite
yet you won’t swallow your pride publicly and treat her right.

so you develop a list of your ideal woman, the audacity
created from podcasts and ungodly fantasies 
posted on your wall
made the vision plain like prophecy.

then God got funny and sent her forreal

you meet her
she might not be the perfect woman
but she’s genuine
and her love, it heals.

you push her away
ask her to leave and hurt once she doesn’t stay
her presence is healing and traumatizing
because toxicity trained you to love that way.

she’s perceptive and can read you
so you wonder whats on her mind and how she sees you
to be seen is to be loved
but that xray vision scares you.

does she see the man that’s afraid
thinking that if you finally let her in she may walk away
or the secrets you tell God when you pray
the dried tears on your pillow where different women seem to lay.

every morning you put your mask on
choosing who you gon' be that day
switch personalities like outfits
just depending on who’s in your face.

but at night you still think of her
yet your pride is louder
convincing yourself that you don’t deserve love
because it’d hurt more to admit that you’re a coward.

fast women that don’t give a damn about you
women that never look you in your eyes
they don’t see the hurt in your spirit
or the weight you carry inside.

but she do

she sees depression in your posture
hear exhaustion in your tone
you tell yourself men go unloved in this world
while pushing away the very one love shown.

her kindness you won’t take
devil got you thinking she’s keeping score 
when she’s actually praying for you every night
knees to the floor.

instead of handing her honesty
you hand excuses and noise
filling your space with women and vices
just to drown out your own void.

cause the woman you prayed for found you
and loved you completely
but loving her back required healing
and that scared you deeply.