When did I get to this point of self-preservation
Putting my heart on reservation
Protecting myself subconsciously with no communication

I’m smiling but I’m sad
I used to love freely
Open up to someone I thought would complete me
Submit to him as if he could lead me
Yet they always leave me

Steer clear of an avoidant attachment
They push and pull in love yet remain detached
They come close, crave love, then pull back
Leave for hours when emotions arise
Bury the love they feel deep inside
“Emotions are not safe” is what they believe
So they push you away and place blame once you leave

I used to be a hopeless romantic
Now I feel anxiety when I hear the word love, and I panic
I don’t know if I believe it is safe
Gave my all to many who showed me I’m easily replaced
As I lie here on the new muscles I embrace
My mind begins to race
I tell myself I like you too much, now I need space
My emotions disassociate
The sex becomes my escape

He asks me, “What are you thinking about?”
“How you will hurt me” is what my heart shouts
Yet my mouth says, “Nothing”
While my mind believes he is up to something
Conjuring his master plan on how he will hurt me
I used to crucify myself for love
Now I don’t think it’s worth it